Long Update and Tips on Writing

As stated previously in class and on this blog, I must be able to identify you easily on your blog; please ensure that your name or student number is easily accessible in your profile.  I have many blogs to read, and I hope you will help me by providing this information on your blog.  It is fine if you would rather remain mysterious, however I will be unable to score your assignments.  Also, it would expedite the process if you removed the CAPTCHA requirement from blog posts.  You can still moderate them yourself, I simply waste less time trying to decipher the letters.

For the TOEFL essay, everyone started from a base of 3.5/5, with extra quarter points awarded for:

- proper grammar  (syntax [.25] diction [.25]  spelling [.25] a few errors considered not seriously problematic)

- choice of examples

- logic 

- organization

Many received the base score, which is not unusual for a first assignment, nor even a second or third.  But those quarter points can add up!  As suggested, write your assignment in a word processing program first, then cut and paste it on your blog.  Remember, multimedia presentation is encouraged.

For the personal narrative essays, the uploaded syllabus states: “Second drafts of in-class essays must be typed and uploaded with grammatical edits and content improvements. (10%)”  Now while I did say in-class writing on the personal narrative wouldn’t be graded, what is graded are your blog posts; please note the emphasis on grammar and reflection.  If your essay contains few grammatical errors, or demonstrates a sustained engagement, you will receive a higher score. Scores will begin at a base of 3.5/5, with .25 added for grammar, syntax, diction, use of examples, logic, organization.  A lower score is possible if desired by student.  For the first assignment, you will receive either a pass / not complete grade.

For your convenience, I have elaborated and clarified on some of the in-class lectures below, highlighting the most salient points.  I have been writing for many years, and in the modern world I would not eat as well as I do if I could not write effectively.  I often write for pleasure, such as blog posts, songs, or short stories. I’ve picked up a few things over the years, and if you’re interested, you can read them below.  If you already believe yourself a famously successful writer, or think any advice I may have to share is not useful, stop reading now.  Go do whatever it is you have to do.  I’m going to focus on your recent TOEFL essays for examples, apologies if you recognize your essay here. I am focusing on general trends in responses.  I will include some comments that I have made on individual student blogs, but I will not mention which blog.

This is the first TOEFL prompt from our course syllabus:

Describe a custom from your country that you would like people from other countries to adopt. Explain your choice, using specific reasons and examples.

First: STAY FOCUSED

Organization is an issue in many of the essays I read. Ranting about modern post-industrial society is not the focus of your essay, and is beyond the scope of a mere one page TOEFL prompt response. Discussing the lack of close neighborly ties now found in modern Korean society does not have a place in your essay, as this isn’t what you want to export to the world.  The prompt asks you to specifically discuss an aspect of your culture that you think should be adopted by the world.  You shouldn’t be talking about the need to reclaim lost traditions and way of life, but about promoting something from Korea to the world, something that can be celebrated and shared.    

Essentially, answer the prompt directly, nothing more, nothing less.

Avoid jumping from topic to topic; remain focused on what is important and back your statement up with a connection (comparison / contrast) to a concrete example (no general statements, use something factual, like a primary text.  A primary text is a verified document with a certain (authentic) author).  If a text is provided, it should remain the main focus of your writing at all times, with other examples solely used to support your analysis of the text provided.

something very wrong here

Second: CHOOSE APPROPRIATE EXAMPLES

I read many essays that promoted near-universal human behaviors, such as sharing a meal or respecting elders.  These are not really appropriate examples, unless you are in some way arguing that the Korean expression is truly unique and of benefit to the world.  These are always a hard sell though, since it requires a genuine understanding of not only general human behavior, but of the specific cultural groups that are being asked to adopt the practice.  See a comment below about mudang as an example of the perspective I’m coming from.  The core idea in that paragraph is how many countries no longer have authentic practicing shamans, and thus Korea can serve as an example of a continuing, long term tradition.  Just don’t forget that shamans have pretty much existed in every society since prehistory.  The other examples are also related to selection of examples, and general perspective.

Comments:

Mudang is the Korean word for shaman, a religious specialist common to mystical, folk, and tribal religious expressions (to mention a few). It is true that these types of specialists no longer play such a large role in post industrial societies, a statement consistent with the prevailing view of most Koreans when thinking about mudang, jumjaengi (점쟁), or the like. However, the fact that the term 'exorcism' exists in English should be enough to inform you that similar practices exist? Shouldn't this knowledge be apparent as a foundation to your argument in some way?
This isn't really a TOEFL essay, as it's primary purpose is exposition, which I do appreciate; however, beyond the scope of your current task. You could still talk about this practice, condensing your first three paragraphs into one while emphasizing it as an example of a practice largely lost or redefined elsewhere (psychologist for example) and how since the tradition still exists in Korea, it can help as an example of the value of such rituals for modern society. Of course, mentioning that official exorcisms are still occasionally performed, and including this perspective into your overall argument, would also make for an excellent essay.
Do you know what a Ouija board is? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ouija

While a deconstruction of the differences in formalized respect between East and West is itself an interesting topic, it wasn't to be the focus of your essay, and in fact is well beyond the scope of a mere one page TOEFL prompt response. Also, be weary of the implications of your position, lest you care not if the label of chauvenist be applied to you: the hierarchical bias inherent in "to be likely to be adopted by other states of culture. " informs the reader right from the introduction that they are reading a polemic arguing a position of cultural superiority, as other cultures are lower and thus in need of adopting the superior variety available to them from Korea. This is reinforced further in your essay when you essentially spend most of your time criticising other (i.e. western) approaches to respect towards elders, again with the assumption that Eastern approaches to respect are necessarily better. If your goal is simply to practice polemics, as one speaking to fellow ideologues, you come across as very convincing, so well done. However, I of course do not find your words persuasive, as they are based on ill founded assumptions about the west, and are consistent with a myopic nationalistic bias. But writing this way will ensure you have plenty to eat when you get older, if the current political climate remains unchanged.

Also, your introduction is too vague and could use further refinement.

what you mention in your conclusion should be the main focus in your intro, but it isn't really brought out. You also describe the custom in such flowery terms that I almost believe you that it is still widely practiced by whole communities of people. . . I guess the places I've lived in Korea aren't very community minded, perhaps too infected with 'individualistic' thinking, tainted through their participation in modern post-industrial society. . . we should all move back to the country. Yeah.

Your assumption is that people in other countries have never had these thoughts about community, which is of course far off the mark. Talking about adopting ancestral worship as a means to overcome the fragmentation and isolation of industrial and post industrial societies would be a far more persuasive approach, as it has been dealt with in the west since at least the Enlightenment (see romanticism, realism, dadism, other anti establishment artistic movements, etc)

pay attention!

Third –THE READER

Stating the obvious, keep in mind that what you are writing is going to be read, and the reactions the reader has will depend on what exactly you present to them. Consider the audience, put yourself in their shoes.  How would they react to what you are saying?  What type of reaction are you hoping to elicit?  Basic grammar can fit in here, since if your essay contains too many errors you will annoy the reader, unless of course you are ignoring the conventions of formal grammar for some type of rhetorical purpose.  (Irvine Welsh, Zora Neal Hurston, William S. Burroughs, all write outside formal grammatical conventions, each with different purposes in mind).     

Eliminating unnecessary words (concision) in your writing is something you should aim for.  Try keeping your sentences short and declarative, each one necessary and contributing to the piece as a whole.  While using many ten or twenty dollar words can make you sound erudite, misusing those same words will make you sound pretentious and shallow.  Focus primarily on clarity and achieving effective communication.

Remember that writing is just as much a state of mind as it is a technical exercise; it gives you great opportunity to find and establish your own unique voice.  Writing is a craft: part art and skill, part application and trade.  Many do not appreciate the fact that with the use of a collection of characters, glyphs, stabs and slashes, we can convey worlds.  This power should not be underestimated nor neglected.